Dramatic Boho Bathroom Refresh

I still can’t believe we put this one off for so long!

It’s been just over 2 years since we moved into this 1979 house, and from the first moment I laid eyes on this eyesore of a bathroom, I’ve been itching to do something about it. We’d held off on renovations because we wanted to knock out walls and move plumbing and do a complete rework of the floorplan.

And then, on the eve of my Spring Break, we (and by we, of course I mean me) just decided not to wait anymore. Instead of a giant project, I knew I could do a lot to make it look like a million bucks without spending a fortune.

If you’d like to know how we turned a hideous eyesore into a moody sanctuary for less than $800 with the help of Amazon and Home Depot, keep on scrolling…

And, may I just say, if you’ve ever even THOUGHT about doing something like this in your own home, I’m here to tell you that you absolutely CAN! I’m going to step you through our process and I’m going to give you the links to everything we used to create this breathtaking space. (Since I am an Amazon affiliate, I may earn a small commission from qualified purchases, but that in no way affects the price you pay for these items.)

First, the before…

Sure, this ugly bathroom was functional… I mean, we could wash, brush and flush and, honestly, that’s what matters most. But the shower head was hanging limply at a weird, super-short height, and the nasty tile countertop was so low! It was only 30 inches from the floor, and while I’m sure that’s great for the vertically challenged, we are tall people around here!

The magic that made this all possible came in a little box from Amazon. Did you know you can PAINT your tub and tile? Well, you can if you use this Rust-Oleum Tub and Tile Refinishing Kit. It’s amazing! My bathroom took 2.5 cans, but even still that is a fraction of what it would cost to replace it. And since it was all in excellent condition (other than being an ugly color), I just channeled my inner Joanna Gaines and donned my dystopian gas mask, then proceeded to sand and spray (repeat that for a total of 3 coats). I might have been able to get away with 2 coats, but that third one was definitely worth it.

While the tub and tile were curing, we got busy with the rest of the room. First, I removed the lovely wooden chair rail that had graced this space for decades. Unfortunately, that left gaping holes in the walls. Luckily, I’m married to a guy who knows his way around a bucket of mud. While we were in demo mode, we also took a crack at removing that tiled countertop and figuring out a way to raise it up.

This guy is so handy! He got the floor jack and some 2x4s and before long, that nasty tile was just a memory. Then he built a box, complete with fake drawer fronts to raise the height of the counter to a standard 36 inches! I was super excited about that – no more folding myself in half to spit out the toothpaste.

Take a gander at those dated cupboard doors. They absolutely HAD to go! Mr. Handy made me four new doors and that completely changed the look of this enormous vanity and the attached linen cupboard.

You know what else Mr. Handy did? He found our spectacular live-edge countertop! My original plan was to use butcher block for the countertop, but on a trip to Home Depot to grab wood for the cupboards, he discovered that for just a little extra money, we could get a pre-finished slab of wood with a beautiful live edge. It was even more perfect than I could have imagined!

While he was busy in his workshop, I got busy painting. I went to Home Depot for a gallon of the wall color we’ve been using throughout this house. It’s Sherwin Williams Sedate Gray, and it’s perfect with all my earthy, moody colors. Luckily, that was the only paint I had to buy because I had a full quart of some mistinted cabinet paint from a previous project. Turns out, it was the perfect color for the vanity and linen cupboards!

I sure did keep the Amazon drivers busy! Nearly everything I got to finish off the bathroom and pull everything together came from Amazon, and I have it all linked below.

Don’t you just LOVE it when a plan comes together?

Wallpaper: Oh my goodness! This is what makes the entire room! It’s peel-and-stick, fully removable (ie: renter friendly), and so easy to use! The color was what caught my eye at first, but once it was up the pattern became everything – it’s so dramatic! I used three rolls of this Boho Brown Peach and Green wallpaper.

The vanity and linen cabinet needed updated pulls, so I found these round gold knobs, and these gold bar pulls and they absolutely POP against that green paint.

Of course, the crown jewel of the vanity is the white vessel sink with its gorgeous gold-tone faucet. And to make it all work, we had to buy this special drain for vessel sinks. To bring a little of that golden bling to the wall, I found this gold-tone towel bar. And topping it all off is this stunning gold light fixture that dazzles with its 5 light bulbs. It all looks so fabulous together!

The wall decor came from Hobby Lobby. I swear, every time I go there I wish I would have packed myself a snack. It truly takes me HOURS to wander the aisles repeatedly. I have to be sure I didn’t miss anything! It’s a treasure hunt, for sure, but I never leave that place disappointed.

Now, let’s take a peek into the shower area of the room so I can tell you about all the details here. And of course, it all came from Amazon!

First of all, I knew I needed a phenomenal showerhead for my tall kids. This 12″ rain shower combo with an extension arm and handheld sprayer is perfect! I’m a firm believer in the curved, adjustable shower rod because it somehow makes the tub feel ten times roomier when you’re inside the curtain. Since the wallpaper is so busy, I wanted the shower curtain to be a little less in-your-face, and this rustic abstract cloth shower curtain was just perfect. I always like to add a vinyl shower curtain liner just to keep the cloth curtain looking its best. They are cheap and easy to replace once our hard water has done it’s worst.

Finally, although you can’t see it in the photo, I knew the shower needed way more storage than the two minuscule tile shelves that barely hold a shampoo bottle. This set of 3 shelves with organizers form a shower caddy like no other. It was easy to peel and stick them to the wall and they hold so much stuff!

Instead of paying THOUSANDS of dollars to completely remodel our bathroom, we ended up spending around $750 for everything to make this bathroom look like an entirely new space.

It all goes to show that if you’re willing to put in the hard work, and you have a great Amazon driver, you can accomplish anything you set your mind to!

Here’s one last collection of “After” photos. Feel free to scroll through and stare at them as much as you want. I know I can’t get enough of looking at them!

Oh, hey.

You’re still here?

Could you do me a little favor? Go follow me on TikTok? @ahilltophideaway

There’s a lot of diy, decor, crafts, and more. I’d love to have you follow along and see what else we’ve been up to as we remodel this entire 3200 square foot house.

Thanks!

One-of-a-kind Remodel

Nothing like an enormous remodeling project to help make it through a pandemic.

Since we moved into this house 3 years ago, I’ve wanted a new kitchen.  Sadly, tearing it out wasn’t in the cards back then.  So we ripped out the drop ceiling, painted the cabinets, put in some floating shelves, and tried to make it work.  It was better.  But it wasn’t great.

When we realized that it was either redo the kitchen or move (again), we chose to REDO!  

It was four months of planning, designing, demo and then a slow rebuild, but OH. MY. GOODNESS.  It turned out even better than I had hoped.

Please enjoy the before and afters.  And please excuse the Christmas decor – I just couldn’t wait!!!

View from the front door:  This level of the house isn’t huge, but it was so chopped up before.  Oh, and that hideous tile!  Someone years ago thought making a drop-down living room would be a great idea.  It wasn’t.  Hard to count the rolled ankles this strange idea caused.  Now the moment you open the door, you’re just drawn inside.  It’s so welcoming!

before doorafter door

View from the top of the stairs:  Just what everyone wants to see as they walk downstairs in the morning – an ugly wall.  But now, it’s like a dream every morning when I head downstairs.

before stairsafter stairs

Looking toward the fireplace: One of the first things I loved about this house was the brick fireplace. It was brown when we first moved in, but it wasn’t long before I had painted it a fresh white. This brick was the centerpiece of my design. I knew from the start that I wanted it to become the backdrop for my gorgeous 48″ range. It’s still my favorite feature.

before fireplaceafter fireplace

From the back wall to the door:  From chopped up and walled off to wide and open.  And that feature wall in the entry just makes me weak in the knees.

before to doorafter to door

The other wall:  Don’t know what to call it.  It used to be where we put the dining table, but now it’s the TV wall.  Check out the bench that spans the space.  It’s absolutely perfect for decorating, but it also works as a ton of extra seating.  We can even bring in our 8 foot folding table and seat 10 people for dinner with no problem at all.

before to tvafter to tv

The kitchen sink: My view while doing dishes was out a small dingy window and onto the back deck. Now I feel like the queen of the castle as I do dishes in my gorgeous sink and look out my incredible 6.5 foot wide window, which faces out to the front yard. Those old 1979 windows from before let in very little light. Don’t miss them at all.

before sinkbefore front windowsafter sink

Bonus Features:  Please appreciate the fact that I installed the tile backsplash all by myself!  I couldn’t love it any more than I do – especially with the glitter grout.  My son-in-law is a fabulous woodworker, and he built all the corner shelves and the amazing vent hood.  Even the light fixture over the island is totally custom.  My husband took our old fireplace mantle and a light fixture we bought off the internet, and turned it into this dreamy contraption.  Finally, check out how proud Nelly the mini bernedoodle is as she surveys the room.    She’d give it two thumbs up, if she had thumbs.

after stoveafter islandpantry shelves

light fixture

Nelly

Gender Reveal – Baby Anderson

Hooray!  I’m going to be a GRANDMA!  It’s a super exciting time for us and to make it even more special, my daughter and son-in-law agreed to let me throw them a gender reveal party.  The ultrasound was on Tuesday, and I think I did a great job of keeping a poker face when I was the only one that got to watch the monitor for the “gender shot.” I wasn’t even tempted to spill the beans when my other kiddos begged me to tell them the secret.  The hardest part was going four whole days without saying something to accidentally give it away.

But Friday finally rolled around, and here is how we made Baby Anderson’s gender reveal special:

Gender Reveal_007

Cute sign and balloon on the front porch, telling guests to come to the back yard.

Gender Reveal_008

Balloon trail to the back yard.

 

As the guests came back, they stopped at the voting table to choose “Team Girl” or “Team Boy” and share their name suggestions.  Everyone chose a paint swatch in either pink or blue to write their baby name ideas, then picked a pink or blue sticker to wear to show their team spirit.

Gender Reveal_011Gender Reveal_009

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gender Reveal_013

The “Aunt Squad” was on hand to welcome everyone.

 

 

We started off with an ice cream bar and lots of sweet treats.

Gender Reveal_001

The whole view of the “snack bar.”

 

 

Lots of yummy toppings.  Just hadn't brought out the 3 tubs of ice cream yet.

Lots of yummy toppings. Just hadn’t brought out the 3 tubs of ice cream yet.

 

 

 

Our version of the traditional "Boy or Girl?" banner.

Our version of the traditional “Boy or Girl?” banner.

 

 

 

 

Drinks were dressed up with hats and trucks, and a tiara and jewelry.  My favorite touch is the earrings hanging off the sides of the pink punch.

Drinks were dressed up with hats and trucks, and a tiara and jewelry. My favorite touch is the earrings hanging off the sides of the pink punch.

 

 

 

 

These adorable and delicious cupcakes were made by my sweet friend, Brandi.

These adorable and delicious cupcakes were made by my sweet friend, Brandi.

 

 

 

The cones were hand dipped by the Mama-to-Be and the Aunt Squad.

The cones were hand dipped by the Mama-to-Be and the Aunt Squad.

 

 

The treats were a hit!

The treats were a hit!

 

Of course, we had to play a couple of quick games before the big reveal.  First up was a baby name race.  Team Boy and Team Girl formed their groups and raced to see which team could be the first come up with a gender-specific baby name for every letter of the alphabet.

TEAM GIRL WON.

 

Next, we had a representative from each team race to see who could empty the apple juice from the baby bottle first.  That was a lot of laughs.   And, guess what –  TEAM GIRL WON.

These contestants really "sucked."  Hahahaha!

These contestants really “sucked.” Hahahaha!

 

 

Last, we had our cute Mom-to-Be, Hailey, circle her answers on the chalkboard of old wives tales.  Gender Reveal_063

 

TEAM GIRL WON AGAIN!

 

It was finally time for the main event.  I had filled three balloons with paint and attached them to a canvas.  Matt and Hailey each got some darts and threw them at the canvas.  Here is how that went…

 

Canvas and balloons are ready to go.

Canvas and balloons are ready to go.

Ready... Aim... FIRE...

Ready…
Aim…
FIRE…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guess what????

Guess what????

 

PINK!!!

PINK!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's a girl!

It’s a girl!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We went live on Facebook for the big moment.  You can watch it here:  Baby Anderson Revealed

 

 

We had so much fun!  And now we are all super excited to welcome Olivia Anderson to the world in January!

 

olivia

 

 

Maiden Voyage

So can you do me a tiny favor and just pretend that it hasn’t been a year and a half since we started our trailer restoration project?

Thanks!

I don’t want anyone to think I’ve been sitting around being lazy all that time! Since we started our trailer project we have moved twice (both times required some major remodel and redecorate) and had a daughter get married. So it’s obvious that we’ve been a little busy and our poor little trailer had to take a backseat.

 

I am proud to announce that last weekend was our maiden voyage in our “new” and improved glamper!  We spent two nights at beautiful Bear Lake, and everything went as smooth as silk.  Our daughter loved having the big top bunk and those cute cubbyholes all to herself. The twins were less thrilled about having to share the bed we made for them from the dinette table, but they stopped fighting the moment they both fell asleep!

 

I have lots of pictures to share, but first I want to show you a couple of things we had to work on along the way. We had a lot of rotting wood in the ceiling that had to be replaced.

trailer after_008

Every inch of the electrical wire and plumbing had to be redone. She needed a new axle, wheels and tires before we dared to pull her very far.

 

The bottom cupboards needed a major overhaul.

trailer after_020

 

 

 

 

 

 

The closet at the back of the trailer was a total mess.

trailer after_011

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For a while there it seemed that our trailer had exploded all over our yard!

trailer after_001

 

 

 

 

 

 

But, at long last, everything started to go back together. After Mr. Handy finished his rebuilding projects, I painted every square inch of the wood, and added some stenciling for color.  I finally cut into that beautiful fabric and sewed curtains. I painted and stenciled the vinyl floor.  And I got to find some cutesy decorations in an attempt to pull it all together.

 

We are far from finished!  There’s still the bathroom to fix and the outside to paint, but we were able to take her out for the weekend and we got along just fine. We had lots of other campers poking their head in and asking if they could take a look inside. Everybody seems to love her!

 

Here are lots of pictures of her beautiful interior. I hope you enjoy them! (Click to enlarge and scroll through the gallery.)

Part Two: Makeover Mania: Work, Plan, Shop

Although it’s taking much longer than I would like, things on our sweet little trailer are moving right along. Since it’s been a couple of weeks since my first post about our vintage trailer project, I figured it was time for a little update.

More demolition! We tore out all the rotted paneling…

Gets worse before it gets better, right?

Gets worse before it gets better, right?

Got rid of all these nasty cushions…

EW! Never gonna sleep on that nasty stuff.

EW! Never gonna sleep on that nasty stuff.

And have the bathroom torn down to the studs.

DSC_0197

The only thing still giving us a hard time in there is that the entire floor is made of one big shower pan and the drain just doesn’t want to come out. Mr. Handy says all he needs is the perfect tool and he’ll have that sucker out in a jiffy.

Stubborn little thing!

Stubborn little thing!

Another update: sadly, it seems that the refrigerator is not working after all. We are trying to decide how to deal with this development. New fridge? Try to tear into it to get it working? Just use it as an ice box? So many decisions.

Since all we’ve done for the past couple of weekends is get our hands dirty, make messes, and destroy things, I decided it was time for a weekend spent doing something a little more fun for me.

SHOPPING!

I’ve been pinning like a crazy person to my Pinterest board, {Click here to follow my Glamping board} and I have a million ideas buzzing around in my head. But until I found the perfect curtain material, I felt like I was stuck in the mud when it came to decorating our little beauty.

I’ve spent hours upon hours searching fabric websites, roaming the aisles of local fabric stores, and, quite frankly, praying for some inspiration to strike. And finally it did! About 45 minutes into my last trip to JoAnn’s, I found THE ONE for me. Don’t laugh too hard, but I must confess that my heart actually did skip a beat when I saw this amazing fabric. I think it is perfectly retro, with a modern twist, and the colors could not be more perfect.

Love at first sight!

Love at first sight!

It was quite an ordeal to get enough of this fabric, since my local JoAnn’s only had about 4 yards left on the bolt. They checked the computer and found an entire bolt at a store about an hour away from me. A huge shout out to the lady at the JoAnn’s in Draper, Utah who spent over 20 minutes on the phone with me locating and then saving this fabric until I could make the trip down.

I just can’t get enough of sitting here, staring at this beautiful fabric, imagining what it’s going to look like as curtain panels. I guess I better go dig out my sewing machine and dust it off!

Plus, Mr. Handy made a fabulous find!  This adorable welcome mat will be so perfect!

Welcome everyone!

Welcome everyone!

Since we were so close to IKEA, it only made sense that we spent some time in there looking for treasures. And treasures we did find :-)! I’m really excited about the colors of the kitchen accessories. They match perfectly to the curtain fabric.

Stocking up the kitchen is so much fun!

Stocking up the kitchen is so much fun!

One thing I am super stoked about, is this awesome lighting that we stumbled upon. I’d read this blog about hacking IKEA lights to run on a trailer’s 12 V electrical system. We were after some under cabinet lighting, but there is a big surprise in store for you once we get this little treasure hooked up! And right near the cash register lines we discovered the most adorable solar lights and they just jumped right into our cart!

Lighting!

Lighting!

We also made a stop at Ross, and I’m not kidding, some of my wildest dreams came true in that store. I found the bedding I had been dreaming of, and the first of what I hope will be many soft, fun pillows for the bed/couch.

It's all coming together.

It’s all coming together.

It was super fun shopping with Mr. Handy. He was a very good sport, and didn’t complain a bit about waking up early and spending half of his Saturday shopping shopping shopping.

So now I guess it’s back to hard labor. While Mr. Handy works on plumbing and electrical, I will be sewing up a storm, making curtains and pillows. I have a lot of ideas swimming around in my noggin, and I can’t wait to get them done so that I can share them all with you!

Until next time, Happy Glamping!

Part One: Makeover Mania: 1966 Jet trailer

With five kids, our life has always been a big adventure.

One of the things our family loves to do most is travel. We have spent many happy weeks on various beaches of the Pacific Ocean – from Seattle, Washington down to San Diego, California. Our two-week Christmas vacation in Hawaii was certainly a highlight. And our countless camping trips to Yellowstone, Zion’s National Park, Bear Lake, and so many other beautiful places have just become a part of who we are.

A new adventure is in store for us now. We are joining the ranks of this spectacular new phenomenon of “Glamping.”

Because I am an avid Pinterest aficionado (read:addict), I began noticing those adorable little trailers that had been all fixed up and retro-ed out, and I decided I wanted one of those adorable little trailers, too!

The search began. I scoured our local online classifieds until we found the perfect trailer. It wasn’t easy, though. We looked at several trailers before settling on The One. Those other trailers were quite frightening. Rotting floor boards, shredded seat cushions, mysterious and disgusting odors… It was a little bit discouraging.

And then… there she was. A nearly perfect 1966 Jet trailer with beautiful bones. The moment I walked in the door and saw her turquoise appliances I was smitten. With a little bartering, a handshake, and the exchange of $625 in cash, we pulled away with our newest project.

Our new project!

Our new project!

We could hardly wait to get our hands dirty. And so, on Saturday morning, we rallied the troops and got to work. Here are some of her before pictures (just click on them to see the larger images):

Those gorgeous turquoise appliances made me weak in the knees!

Those gorgeous turquoise appliances made me weak in the knees!

So much junk!

So much junk!

The dinette is so adorable!

The dinette is so adorable!

This bathroom is a gut job, for sure!

This bathroom is a gut job, for sure!

We tore out all the nasty blinds.

Daughter #3 and Adorable Nephew lend a hand.

Daughter #3 and Adorable Nephew lend a hand.

We cleaned out the outside storage areas.

Twin 2 and Adorable Nephew look on as Twin 1 gets stuck in the storage compartment.

Twin 2 and Adorable Nephew look on as Twin 1 gets stuck in the storage compartment.

We scrubbed and polished every surface.

Polishing the propane lantern over the dinette.

Polishing the propane lantern over the dinette.

We even made her first purchase: a new regulator valve for the propane tanks.

Mr. Handy attaching the new regulator.

Mr. Handy attaching the new regulator.

Mr. Handy wanted to see if the gas lines were good. We were both super excited to discover the stove and oven work, the furnace fires up, and even the pilot light for the refrigerator seems to be in working order.

We have a family camping trip planned for Memorial Day weekend, so we have a lot to do in the next couple of months, but that was all the time we had for one day.  We have grand plans for our little beauty, and hope you will follow along with us as we polish our little lump of coal into the sparkling diamond I know she will be.

So, tell me:  What is your next grand adventure?

I’m the Kind of Teacher…

imageI gave my students an assignment to write an introduction that starts out, “I’m the kind of kid who…” They did such an amazing job of putting their hearts on paper! I was so touched that they would feel safe enough to bare their souls like that. Toward the end of the presentations, someone called out, “We want to hear yours, Mrs. Hansen.” So I decided to write my own introduction and read it to them. I’m pretty proud of it. Here it is:

 

I’m the kind of teacher who is living out a dream. From the time I was very small I only wanted two things: to be a mom and a teacher. As a teenager I forced the kids I babysat to play school -until their mom called to tell me that I was the only one who thought that was fun. But I couldn’t help it because I’m the kind of teacher who is living out a dream.

I’m the kind of teacher who remembers what it’s like to be in junior high. The memories are so close to the surface! I still smile when I remember my first awkward kiss, dances in the “cafetorium,” singing in the talent show, and hearing my English teacher recite “O Captain, My Captain.” I cringe a little, too, when I recall that dramatic breakup, the day I stabbed my crush in math class, the mean girls who tore me down, and the tears I allowed myself to cry because of their ugly words. It’s not all good, and it’s not all bad, but it made me who I am – and I’m the kind of teacher who remembers what it’s like to be in junior high.

I’m the kind of teacher who wishes for a magic wand. I want to magically take away the pain I see in my students’ eyes. No more boys with freckles and glasses hiding their bruises with long sleeves, yet writing quiet pleas for help in their journals. No more beautiful girls who look in the mirror and see monsters, then starve themselves to try and look like the fake girls in those poisonous magazines. No more tall, messy-haired boys who try to hide their growling stomachs because they never get enough to eat and the fridge is empty at home. No more soft-spoken, sweet-hearted girls who have so much love to give, yet feel like shadows that nobody sees. No more brown-eyed boys who wear holey shoes and pants three sizes too big and spend all their time in their rooms because nobody shows them love. No more girls with low self-esteem who tear others down to make themselves feel better. I see all these kids. I love ALL these kids. My heart breaks for each of them because I’m the kind of teacher who wishes for a magic wand.

I’m the kind of teacher who knows about real power. I have seen the power of a simple smile to change a moment, a day, a life. I have seen the amazing power of words – words that can do as much harm as guns and as much good as medicine. I have seen the awesome power of time as it not only “heals all wounds” but also turns caterpillars into butterflies and coal into diamonds. I have felt the unstoppable power of a strong will – a will that says, “No matter how dark today is, I’ll keep going because tomorrow will be better.” I see the unlimited power within each one of my students. They hold the future in their hands and they WILL make this world a better place just because they exist. And I know how important each one of them is because I’m the kind of teacher who knows about real power.

 

Snapshot of a place

Although it’s just past 9:30 in the morning, droplets of sweat already bead my forehead and, despite layers of sunscreen, the skin on my arms prickles with heat.  I lean back in my lounge chair and wriggle my toes deeper into the cool, white sand.  Children splash and giggle at the edge of the Caribbean blue water and I open the novel I have been unsuccessfully trying to read for the past half hour. 

The words on page 12 shrink out of sight as something just above the horizon of the book catches my attention.  It is a feather.  A strange, out of place feather.  The kind of fluffy, white feather one might see on a dignified lady’s hat at high tea.  I wonder if I’m hallucinating.  Maybe this is heatstroke?

Before I can fully process the appearance of this billowing item, three yellow finches flit into my view.  One of the tiny birds zooms upward and snatches the feather in his beak.  “What a soft addition to his nest,” I think – just in time to see him drop the feather.  As it jellyfishes slowly toward the earth, a second finch dives down from above and, in a flash of yellow and black, plucks the feather from the air.  And so it goes for the next several minutes.  Three chittering finches, taking turns with their prize like well-trained schoolchildren on the playground.

They continue slowly down the beach, out of my view.  Shaking my head and smiling with wonder, I turn somewhat reluctantly back to the neat rows of black and white print in my book.

I’m gonna sit right down and write myself some blog posts…

Way back in January I made a couple of promises to myself that I’m finally ready to fulfill.  I promised to be more creative this year, and I promised that I would post on this blog more often.  While I feel that I’ve done justice to the creativity promise, but I really haven’t done anything with this blog.  Now I have the perfect excuse to merge these two promises together as I embark on the journey of Teachers Write Summer Camp 2014.

Today’s challenge:

 

This week, in the comments section:

Why are you writing?

What is your goal(s) for Teachers Write this summer?

What are you looking forward to and planning for the week ahead?

Read more: http://www.teachmentortexts.com/2014/07/teachers-write-weekly-reflection-1.html#ixzz36jnkHMkS

My response:

There are three main reasons I’m writing this summer.  The first reason is because I will be teaching a new creative writing class in the fall and I need to dust off my own quill in order to prepare to write with my eager students.  The second reason is because I am hoping to find my muse again so I can finish up my first novel.  It is gathering dust, just waiting for an ending, and I really hope to finish it this summer.  The final reason is more personal.  I think that by flexing my creative muscles I will find some extra happiness and fun in life.  And who couldn’t use a little extra happiness and fun?

My goals are pretty much to be more creative, become a better writer, and to come away with ideas I can use in my classroom.

I am looking forward to starting out on this little adventure.  I can’t hardly wait to enjoy the blue skies and smooth sailing I see ahead.

An Epiphany

I just discovered that “nervous breakdown” is not an official medical term. It is, however, a common phrase that regular folks like me use to describe a variety of mental issues that millions of people suffer from every single day. Symptoms include: fatigue, insomnia, loss of interest in once-pleasurable activities, feelings of worthlessness, indecision… and the list goes on.

Looking back on the past six months of my life I can see that I undoubtedly suffered from this unofficial malady. From the vantage point that only precious time can bring I’m quite shocked to realize that this was not a case of having the rug pulled out from under me in one unexpected moment. I can look back and see myself spiraling slowly down. I can feel the shadow-pains from countless bouts of unexplained tears, panic attacks, and an unrelenting feeling of teetering on a ledge, about to go over, and grabbing wildly at anything around me to stop myself from falling. That one big little moment was simply the nudge that pushed me over the edge.

I can remember being at the bottom of the pit, staying in bed for days… weeks really. Not being able to muster the energy to do anything I once loved. No reading, no going out, no movies, no phone calls, neglecting my husband, children, family and friends… Just day after miserable day of me drowning alone at the bottom of my puddle of excruciating self-doubt, self-pity, and hopelessness.

And now, I am quite surprised to realize, some part of my soul has been painstakingly trying to claw itself out of the darkness. It is exhausting, slow, and painful. There have been many days that I’ve slipped back down. But I am trying. And in the trying I feel I must take some solace. At least I’m no longer a crumpled heap at the bottom. I am telling myself, at this moment – with the writing of these words – that it is okay to feel a sense of accomplishment for every inch I’ve climbed away from those miserable depths. It is okay for me to feel good about having a good day. And even if I can’t have an entirely good day, I will feel good about having a good afternoon, or a good hour, or even one good thought.

I must allow myself to celebrate these accomplishments, no matter how small and insignificant they may seem to the world. I need to focus on them because, right now, to me, they are the world. I don’t want to live my life drowning in cold despair. I want to feel the sunrise of hope caress my face and warm my soul.

I can remember the old me. The woman who loved to laugh, loved to love, and loved to live. She was so fearless and head-strong, yet so completely clueless. I feel a shadow of her pass through me every once in a while and I wonder what it will take to get back to that measure of blissful happiness. Perhaps that woman no longer exists. Perhaps she’s been through too much to be the same flippant, light-hearted person who felt the world was a song.

And if there is no way to recreate a carbon copy of that woman? Maybe that’s okay, too. Maybe as I struggle upwards, I am creating a new me. Someone who can laugh, love, and live while at the same time guarding her no-longer-too-sensitive heart. Someone who can look back at the mistakes of the past and see them as the rungs of the ladder that only she can climb. Someone who can again look to the future with eyes that sparkle with hope, yet are ever alert for the razor wire that threatens to trip her up once again.

Maybe, as I continue my climb toward peace, I can leave the broken parts of the old me behind. That bleak pit of despair can become the tomb in which I lay to rest the demons of my past. I can visit her grave if I so choose, but when I do it will only be to recall the fond memories, not to join her in the darkness.

And with this new awareness I send my apologies to those around me. To my husband: I am sorry the happy and hopeful girl you married disappeared for so long. I’m sorry to have left you feeling like you were not only fighting the battle of life alone, but doing so with a helpless, lifeless wife sapping your strength. There are not sufficient words for me to tell you how much I love and appreciate you for being the knight in shining armor that valiantly fought to slay my dragons even though I would have been perfectly happy at the time to let them incinerate me.

To my children: I am so sorry that you had to watch your mother fold in upon herself. I can only imagine how upsetting that must have been. I am so grateful that, instead of letting this pull you apart, you seem to have used it to draw yourselves together. You formed your own little team and your team is awesome. I realize that there is no way to go back and fix those months of having a mother who was barely breathing, yet not really living. So many chances missed, so many memories left unmade, so many regrets… But know this: even in my darkest days, you were the flames of hope that kept me from giving up altogether. You were the little voices in my head that wouldn’t let me let go, that kept encouraging me to look up and see that brighter days were still ahead and that there were still so many, many things worth living for. Thank you for being the wonderfully imperfect little beings that you are. I look forward to rejoining your world and watching you conquer it.

To my friends and family: I feel so bad about pushing you away. I didn’t know how to be myself when I was alone with myself and the idea of trying to be someone worthy of your friendship was just too much for such a long time. It is impossible for me to tell you how much it hurts to think that I have hurt you. To those of you who took a step back and waited patiently for my return, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. And to those very few of you who refused to turn away from the ugliness, who held my hand and loved me even when I couldn’t love myself, I thank you from the depths of my soul.

To those I’ve lost: I am so terribly sorry for the promises that I will not be able to keep.  There is an emptiness now within me that will always be a part of my heart. I hope the pain that comes when I hear your names will someday be more bearable, but I pray that it never fully goes away. If there ever comes a time when I feel nothing when I think of you, then it would be as if you never existed, as if our happy times had never occurred. And that would be a pain far greater than the pangs of sadness I experience whenever I realize that you are no longer there.

To life: Watch out! I’m ready to start living you again.

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